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Why I’m Walking
Jonathan Dixon
I knew nothing about mental illnesses until a few weeks after I became manic in 2002. At the time I didn’t think I was sick, I just felt like I’d discovered that I was Jesus, and was tapping into divine powers. Pure serendipity based on a misunderstanding landed me in a psychiatric hospital, which of course was exactly where I needed to be. After several days I realized I wasn’t Jesus, but I became convinced I was the Devil. I was sure the people I saw on TV were talking about me, the Devil. I couldn’t sleep for several days, even though the doctor said she gave me enough sleeping medication to knock out a horse. The doctor said to my mom, “Jonathan has the clearest textbook case of bipolar type-one that I’ve ever seen.”
Gibran Khalil Gibran, a painter, poet, and author, wrote, “Madness is the first step towards unselfishness. Be mad and tell us what is behind the veil of “sanity”. The purpose of life is to bring us closer to those secrets, and madness is the only means.” I’m not sure that my encounter with madness taught me much of any philosophical importance, but I can see how there could be some truth to this. Insanity made me less selfish in some respects, but it also made me more selfish in the sense that I started glorifying it and thinking that I was a better person for having been psychotic.
Those who have a mental illness have a certain luster, an expansive breadth of experience and feeling, and a laudable ability to escape, or at least combat, a hellish mire most couldn’t imagine. I believe people who have a mental illness also possess rare, splendid, but ineffable qualities. I look at someone who has reached insanity and returned to health like I’d look at an astronaut who went to the moon; only I’d have more respect, and more questions, for the former.
I’m so grateful for NAMI. For far too many centuries societies have misunderstood and mistreated those with a mental illness. Even the modern media often exploits and sometimes ridicules people with a mental illness. People are afraid to get help, and even when they get it, what others say can play into their illness and make them believe they’re bad or weak, and make it easier for them to destroy themselves—slowly through lowered expectations or drugs and alcohol, or instantly by suicide.
It’s unfortunate that people use the word “crazy” to describe the mere unusual, and the things they don’t understand, or don’t like. Since words such as “crazy”, “loony” and “nut” have become intrinsically associated with insanity, a conscientious person should use these words carefully. It is enormously offensive when people use such terms pejoratively. Modern discourse is rife with references to madness. Politicians and members of the media often call foolish, violent, or rash acts “insane”, and usually call the perpetrators of such acts “madmen”. I cringe whenever I hear someone instantly label a murderer a “madman”. Not every criminal is mentally unstable, and certainly not all who have a mental illness are criminals; yet when contemptible villains are called lunatics, everyone with a mental illness is aspersed.
People with a mental illness battle similar enemy combatants and I think they have the right, if not the responsibility, to band together and support each other. As I’ve heard someone put it, “It’s hard to fight an enemy that has outposts in your head.” I feel that if I didn’t romanticize bipolar somewhat, or feel like others with the illness shared a special relationship to me, I would, at times, feel too removed from society.
This NAMI walk is a truly noble and, I’d say, potentially revolutionary act. Our attitudes and actions influence others to a greater extent and in greater numbers than we often think. Not only will the walk itself raise awareness, fight stigma, bolster morale and improve our solidarity, but also the funds raised will significantly better many lives. As the lives of those with mental illnesses are improved, as family members find support, and as public perceptions are reigned in to reality, a ripple effect will cause widespread social and political changes, culminating in mental health parity and other greatly needed pro-mental health legislation.
I’m walking for all those whose delusions and hallucinations have kept them housebound. I’m walking for all those so deeply depressed that they’d never stand to look themselves in a mirror, let alone join others on a walk. I’m walking for all those who have been burdened emotionally and financially because their loved one has a mental illness. Most of all, I’m walking, not just because I could lose some weight, but because I know, if only in some small way, I can help to forever change how those with a mental illness feel and think, and how others feel and think about them.
